One night a woman had a dream. She dreamt that all of the stress in her life had melted away like ice cream, and it was just dripping off her hand into a puddle on the floor. She dreamt that she had nothing to worry about, and even if she did she was strong enough to handle it. She dreamt that she looked at life with a relaxed, yet determined attitude. She wasn’t anxious because she was living in ‘the now’, and all the problems she worried about were only in her head. She just went the flow, because that’s what she knew. She didn’t try to constantly fix things or speculate about situations that were far in the future. She just let them be. She was being the best person she could be, in the present. She was fully engaged with everyone in the moment.

Ugh, okay so I may or may not be thinking about changes and the upcoming stress that I’m going to face in the next couple of weeks. In a week I am flying back to school, moving into a new apartment, and starting my student placement (it’s like co—op or an intern but for no pay. I do, however get credits towards my degree). Anyways, having just typed that out all the things I have to do seem fairly small. Fly back. Move into a new apartment. Start School. You’re probably thinking, “Come on Sita Gaia, why are you stressing?? Everyone goes through the same changes!” And case in point, this is true. I don’t have the right to sit on a little pedestal and whine about how stressed I am. But in all honesty, it feels very cathartic to get everything off my chest.

For as long as I can remember, I have been terrible with ‘transitions’. So whether its the end of summer transitioning into school, or travelling from one province to another, I always take a couple of days to adjust. It’s like I’m PMSing all the time. I feel edgy, tired and grumpy. My eyes feel sore and I get headaches and I stay up all night, staring into blackness, just wishing I could sleep. I have learned that drinking coffee is the worst thing I could do if I’m feeling in one of these moods. It just seems to exacerbate every situation it and I feel so grumpy about stuff that’s easily solvable. My poor family. At least I have shut myself in my room for the majority of the day so they don’t have to deal with me. (Well, they are also busy doing their own thing, so that makes minimum contact a lot easier).

I felt the exact same way at this time about four years ago. I was going to be moving out and starting university. Before I left I was driving with my family to Calgary to celebrate my Cousin passing her Bar Exam. (A Bar Exam is a test that lawyers have to take to officially certify themselves as a lawyer). It was funny, she was just starting her career and I was just starting my university education. The age gap has always made it so we were always embarking on crucial parts of our lives at very different times. Now that I am in university she is married. I don’t think I will catch up, I mean time is time.

Anywhoo that was completely besides the point. I was so stressed about this party because I knew that relatives would ask me about going to university and I would have to bring it up again and again. I was already stressed enough as it was. Why would I want to keep reminding myself of that impending change that was going to be exciting and simultaneously very stressful. Now don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t wait to move into residence and start classes, but jumping into the next chapter of my life kinda freaked me out. There were so many unknowns, and I had fears that I wouldn’t make any friends. What if no one liked me? What if I ended up all alone? These questions haunted my mind all summer, and even though I was excited about moving away, I couldn’t scare away those fears that I had. Thankfully, everything worked out, and all my stressing was for nothing. I settled in my residences, made friends, and although I struggled through courses as most students do, I didn’t fail or flunk out. And I was most certainly not alone.

However, it’s really important to keep in mind that with this much stress I need to be really cautious about seizures, because too much stress can easily trigger one. This doesn’t mean locking myself in my room for a week (okay I only stayed in my room today because I felt like sh*t), but just taking things one day at a time. I am a bit nervous about the seizures coming back again because I just really really want to continue on being able to do the things that I want to do. Also, I really want this fall semester to go smoothly because I have a lot to look forward to. But, when I look at the picture from a realistic point of view, things have been going well. The few seizures that I have been having have mostly been while I was in bed. I’ve been having them while I was asleep or on the verge of falling asleep. People always ask me how I know that I’ve had a seizure in my sleep, but it’s easy to tell because the jerky movements always wake me up. Thankfully I’ve mostly been experiencing seizures in just my feet, which is a step up from having involuntary movements in my legs and arms. I just need to keep my chin up and be strong. I know I will be stressed out, and I just need to give myself the space to relax and do what’s best for me. I don’t need to be worried about spending time alone or just being at home, if that’s what I need. Additionally, I need to remember that even though I’m going through another transition, I have already made the major changes. I also need to remember that life isn’t just stressful-it’s often wonderfully exciting! I have so many great plans for this coming fall, so I just need to keep my eyes on the prize. After all, it’s all in my head.

Thanks so much for reading! Love you all! xox

Happy Wednesday Everybody! Hope you love one of my favourite quotes as much as I do! xox

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage-Lao Tzu

 

This past semester I was taking a course on working with people with disabilities, and one topic that was hotly debated was the idea of disability and identity. It is interesting, because when seizures are well controlled, epilepsy is a very invisible disability and it is up to the individual whether they want to disclose or not. Needless to say, it is easy to cover up. Up until this year, I didn’t often disclose to people, because my seizures were well-controlled and I didn’t feel the need to talk about it.

One thing that I have learned during my years at university, is that disability encompasses more than the stereotypical image of a person in a wheelchair. People have mental health issues, learning disabilities, epilepsy, chronic pain, and the list goes on and on. Until I expanded my understanding of what a disability is, I never actually considered myself as a person with a disability, minus the fact that I have a learning disability. (That’s a whole other story, so maybe I will get to it in another post).

Anyways, during this class, there were a variety of people with disabilities, including a girl with a physical disability. (This is what would be called a visible disability, because it is visible to the eye). I was arguing that, despite having an invisible disability, I would not want to be viewed as solely for my disability, and I didn’t see it as a core aspect of who I was. The girl with the physical disability had a very interesting reaction, in that she loved her physical disability and she wouldn’t change herself for anything. I was dumbfounded by this response. I don’t hate epilepsy, per se, but I have never claimed that I was proud of having it. And I most definitely do not love it. What’s interesting to me is that, here are two people with disabilities, and the one person who cannot hide her disability is open about loving it, and the other person (me)has the option to hide it but does not like it at all.

Since my seizures are unpredictable and I have little to no warning before one is going to happen, it has become mandatory for me to give people a quick heads up. As a result, I have found myself thinking and talking about my epilepsy with other people on a more regular basis. I have been struggling with this though. How much can I talk about my epilepsy without having people box me in as simply that: a person with epilepsy? Also, how much is too much? I don’t want to be the friend who talks about her seizures all the time, but I’ll be the first to admit that I need a lot of support, and I see my friends and family as my little group that helps to keep me sane.

But what is the line between a chronic medical condition and identity? As described above, my peer saw her disability as central to who she was as a person. Even though her disability posed many challenges in her day-to-day life, she wouldn’t want to trade it for anything. When thinking about it, I know this much is true: my epilepsy has made me a very strong person. I mean, we all have to play the cards we are dealt, but I have learned to persist and pursue my dreams, even if it’s through a different path. I also thank my epilepsy because I believe it has made me a very positive and optimistic person. I mean, there’s no other way even though I’ve been having seizure after seizure and it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just have faith that everything works out in the end. I’m not sure how, but I know it does.

Anyways, these days I see my epilepsy as closer to my identity than I did before, because it is a condition that takes control over my body at unexpected, and sometimes dangerous moments. The body that has seizures is the same body that dances, hugs, and moves from point a to point b.

Even though I would love to erase it from my life, I have found that it has become a way for me to relate to people. Sometimes when I tell people who I have epilepsy it starts a dialogue about what it is and how it affects me. It also stimulates conversations about other people’s disabilities and mental health issues. I think it helps people to see an aspect of myself that is ‘real’. It is a testament to my own struggles, and that I can empathize with their difficulties as well.

I’m still struggling with figuring out a happy medium of how much to talk about my epilepsy and seizures. I know my friends are concerned about my health, but talking about it too much can be depressing, especially when you feel like your health was getting ‘back on track’. I also fear that they think that I am making the conversations all about myself. I just try to be honest, and be upfront about my health when they ask. Friends extend themselves to support me when I need it, and although I am good at asking for help, I am still learning how to seek support when I need it.

Thank you to all of my friends who are helping me through this period. No kind gesture goes unnoticed and I am grateful for every single one of you.

Thanks for reading and I would love to read any comments or questions that you have xox.