So I haven’t written anything in awhile. Since I’ve gotten out of the routine, this process feels like unfamiliar territory. There is so much going on in my life, and there are so many thoughts bouncing around in my head, but I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve had several days on my own to think and some nights I have laid in bed, just listening to the sound of the rain.(Don’t worry, this isn’t going to turn into an Adele song. I just really like rain).
I am still struggling with this daemon called Ep. My seizures have started up again and even though there are some ideas as to what is causing them, I am finding it hard to wait for the solutions. I feel like I am constantly waiting for answers and waiting for solutions. It is so difficult waiting to see a doctor, waiting to do tests, waiting for the outcomes of said tests and waiting to see if the increase in the dosage of my medication is helping. This part of the recovery makes me feel like my life is on hold. I’m trying to go with the flow, but it’s hard knowing that my friends are out there having busy and exciting lives while I’m sitting around, just waiting to figure out the mystery of these seizures.
I am also frustrated because although I have been feeling fine for the past few days, and I feel fine as I type this out, I can’t rely on my body to be strong and healthy. I went out for a short walk this afternoon, and even though I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t far from home, I still felt anxious about what could happen. It’s also hard not to feel isolated, because I can’t go anywhere on my own, just in case I end up having a seizure. I really don’t want to fall on the pavement and smack my head. It’s happened before, but I don’t want to end up with a serious injury that could compromise my future. Nobody has forgotten about me, but there is something about not being able to go out into the world by myself and do whatever I want. Further, my life has turned into a preparation for a bunch of what-ifs. Let’s be real here people: living in hypotheticals all the time isn’t really a blast.
Despite all of this, I am starting to subscribe to this idea that my struggles with epilepsy are happening for a reason. I need to stop resisting the plans of The Universe and go with the flow. I am generally not a religious person, but I have become more spiritual since the beginning of my struggles. People tell me how strong I am, but I honestly know no other reality. These are the cards I have been dealt and I trying my best to work with them. I’m not saying that trying to accept them makes it a breeze, but it makes it easier in dealing with adversity. It also makes me feel like I have some sort of control over the situation. Having some semblance of control helps just the tiniest bit. I can also say with pure conviction that ruminating about past events in my life and worrying about my future just makes me feel terrible, and makes the current situation worse. Plus, it puts more stress on my mind and body, which makes the probability of having a seizure much higher.
Even though it sucks to think that I have had so many issues with my health over the last year, it gives me comfort that maybe there is a plan for this in the end. Maybe these struggles will help me in aiding someone else in my career in social work. Or, maybe the strength that I have gained from these experiences will give me better self-acceptance and help me in overcoming adversity that I will face in the future. I just hope with every morsel of my being that there is a use for everything that I am going through. Additionally, having my friends, boyfriend and family close by during these tough times makes it so much easier. I think it would be a million times worse if I had to deal with all these seizures on my own. I guess tough times are a real test of your relationships with friends and family, and I’m happy to say that I’ve passed the test. Thank you so much for reading. Love you all xox