Feeling Lonely

Tonight I’m feeling lonely. And awful. I feel like I’m just sitting around recovering and focusing on my health while my close friends are focusing on their degrees or are already pursuing jobs in their field. I feel like I have nothing to talk about besides my health. This isn’t true, and I know that taking this time off is going to benefit me in the long run, but it’s hard because I feel like I’m in limbo. I see progress with my health but it’s little by little. All of this is a waiting game. Is that a good way to look at it? Maybe, maybe not. Who cares. It’s how I feel. On my good days I feel excited about my plans for the future. But today I had no energy for excitement, and no energy for future prospects. I just was.

cup of coffeeLast night (Monday) was not one of my best nights. I have developed some sleeping problems as a result of one of my medications, so I have started a routine of drinking chamomile tea at night, which really seems to help my sleeping problems. Unfortunately, there was no more chamomile tea left in the house, so I was left with a mulled apple decaf tea. (Which is actually quite good, but not quite as good when I was really looking forward to my cuppa chamomile). Anyways, I didn’t mind too much…I read late into the night, and had a couple of seizures , but they were very mild so I wasn’t too bothered. If you had seen it, I basically placed my book on my face (this was an uncontrolled movement) and felt the electrical activity happening in my head. Weird, I know. But, this is progress. No rigid or shaking limbs. Yay. When I finally turned out the light is when the real trouble happened. I had seizure after seizure, which is awful, because it will wake me up each time, and although the seizures are getting less intense, I must have had “too many to count”, as I’ll tell my parents on a bad morning. (Unfortunately there was a lot of shaking this time, which is what woke me up each time).

Anyway, I was basically an exhausted wreck when I woke up, so I figured I’d spend the rest of the day in bed. It was just one bad day, I know, but I just feel lonely, and it’s sometimes hard to articulate my feelings about it. I also don’t want to feel like I’m burdening others. (By the way I’m being a total hypocrite here. I just told someone today that they shouldn’t worry about burdening others when talking about their emotions. Whoops.)

I guess that’s the good thing about blogs. It’s a way of organizing my thoughts and feelings but I have to work at my posts because I know lovely people like you will read it.

Anyway, some days I feel fragile, but I just want you to know that I’m trying my best. It’s awfully hard sometimes but I really am. xox

UPDATE!!!!!!!

Hey guys!

nic_gingerman_hatI know I haven’t posted in over a month. I have been going through a ton of changes, and I haven’t really been in the mental space to share them with everyone and anyone. I figured I might as well get back on track though. I am starting to feel more like my old self. I am doing some ‘bio feedback therapy’. This kind of therapy doesn’t involve talking at all. It’s all about strengthening different brain waves by doing neuro puzzles on a computers at a doctor’s office. Sound crazy? It kinda is. I’ve had five sessions so far. They’re pretty cool. I am getting out as much as I can. Seeing friends has been quite therapeutic, and they’re all really supportive which has been great. I’m pretty excited for the holidays! My family isn’t super crazy wild about the holidays, we’re just more chill about the holidays which is nice.

Last night I watched “Love and Other Drugs” with my Mom. I had seen it before, either on my trip to Vancouver or my returning flight to Ottawa. Either way, all I remember is that the first time that I saw it was on a teensy Air Canada screen. It stars free loving Jamie Randall (Jake Gyllenhaal), who is trying to make it big in the drug rep world. Jamie has the reputation of floating from job to job without going far, but there’s something about this job that seems to click with him. Of course this movie isn’t all inspiration. Jamie is a bit of a “woman lover” (my blog friendly way of saying that he loves to get it on with women). His tactics even mystifies his drug rep, Bruce (Oliver Platt Who is also in “The Big C” which is on Nettflix and you should check it out if you haven’t already!). Everything changes when Jamie meets Anne Hathaway’s character, Maggie Murdoch. If you haven’t seen the movie, I will try not to give away too much. love-and-other-drugs-movie

At age 26 Maggie has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. (Which is extremely rare. Usually only adults in their fifties are diagnoses with Parkinson’s unless it runs in the family). Jamie finds himself falling for her and Maggie finds herself angry that he keeps sticking around because she is getting sicker and sicker. According to the premise of this film there is no cure for Parkinson’s, so I can understand why Maggie would distance herself from a romantic partner. But anyways, Jamie is confused as to why Maggie doesn’t want him around. Although I am not dying, not in the least, I found that I could relate to Maggie’s point of view.  There have been times where I didn’t know why my boyfriend would want to be with me when I was constantly having seizures, and my life had been diminished to hanging out at home, cancelling plans, lying in bed, having mental breakdowns, and sudden hospital visits. Why would anyone want that? If you know me well you will know that I will argue that I never want to be reduced to my medical condition. I hate being referred to as an ‘epileptic’ because I feel like it makes me sound like a brand of person. I also just think that the word itself sounds harsh.

But you see what I did there? I just reduced myself to a medical condition on my own. I didn’t have anyone do it for me. My boyfriend sees me as a person way beyond the epilepsy. Jamie saw Maggie as a person beyond the Parkinson’s. So I guess in a way, seeing the movie was a good way to see the ‘other perspective’. My boyfriend doesn’t see the epilepsy as me. He wants to help that little aspect of me, but he sees ‘Me’ as something way more than just a chronic condition. He sees me as Sita, being awesome and amazing, funny, silly, pretty, smart, all of those things that you would want in a partner. Even though it was a romantic comedy, I would argue that the medical aspect and Anne Hathaway’s charachter brought it to a different level. Grab some friends, convince your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse, get some wine and cozy up and watch it. It’s a pretty good movie. Oh, and be sure to tell me what you think.

One of the most recent photos I could find that wasn’t a selfie. Hope you’re doing well!! xoxo

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