Tonight I’m feeling lonely. And awful. I feel like I’m just sitting around recovering and focusing on my health while my close friends are focusing on their degrees or are already pursuing jobs in their field. I feel like I have nothing to talk about besides my health. This isn’t true, and I know that taking this time off is going to benefit me in the long run, but it’s hard because I feel like I’m in limbo. I see progress with my health but it’s little by little. All of this is a waiting game. Is that a good way to look at it? Maybe, maybe not. Who cares. It’s how I feel. On my good days I feel excited about my plans for the future. But today I had no energy for excitement, and no energy for future prospects. I just was.
Last night (Monday) was not one of my best nights. I have developed some sleeping problems as a result of one of my medications, so I have started a routine of drinking chamomile tea at night, which really seems to help my sleeping problems. Unfortunately, there was no more chamomile tea left in the house, so I was left with a mulled apple decaf tea. (Which is actually quite good, but not quite as good when I was really looking forward to my cuppa chamomile). Anyways, I didn’t mind too much…I read late into the night, and had a couple of seizures , but they were very mild so I wasn’t too bothered. If you had seen it, I basically placed my book on my face (this was an uncontrolled movement) and felt the electrical activity happening in my head. Weird, I know. But, this is progress. No rigid or shaking limbs. Yay. When I finally turned out the light is when the real trouble happened. I had seizure after seizure, which is awful, because it will wake me up each time, and although the seizures are getting less intense, I must have had “too many to count”, as I’ll tell my parents on a bad morning. (Unfortunately there was a lot of shaking this time, which is what woke me up each time).
Anyway, I was basically an exhausted wreck when I woke up, so I figured I’d spend the rest of the day in bed. It was just one bad day, I know, but I just feel lonely, and it’s sometimes hard to articulate my feelings about it. I also don’t want to feel like I’m burdening others. (By the way I’m being a total hypocrite here. I just told someone today that they shouldn’t worry about burdening others when talking about their emotions. Whoops.)
I guess that’s the good thing about blogs. It’s a way of organizing my thoughts and feelings but I have to work at my posts because I know lovely people like you will read it.
Anyway, some days I feel fragile, but I just want you to know that I’m trying my best. It’s awfully hard sometimes but I really am. xox