Independence. A word I dreamed of when I was too ill to go anywhere on my own. I yearned to sit in a coffee shop by myself, go to the mall, or most of all, take the bus to where ever my heart desired. I ached to be my own separate unit again, one that did not have to depend on someone to take me from point a to point b, and did not have to rely on my parents for rides to see my friends.
Our culture is based on being strong and independent. You must grow up, go to school, obtain a degree and find a good paying job so you can provide for yourself (and in the future, your family). Since I have been taking a break from school, I have been living in limbo and was stuck in a dependent lifestyle. Since it is so engrained in us to be independent, it was weird for me to tell people that I couldn’t take the bus anywhere by myself, and my list of activities where somewhat limited. This made me feel like somewhat of an inconvenient friend. Not that any of my friends said that, it was more so my head that told me that. Wow. Why am I getting so depressed? I actually have good news!
The past few weeks have been great! My seizures have gotten under control, and all those paragraphs were a dark rant up to this exciting news. I am now able to take the bus by myself, go to the coffee shop by myself, and go shopping alone. Point blank: I can do stuff by myself without having my mom or a friend nearby. I have been celebrating little victories every day. I have taken public transit at least 5 times now, which is amazing! I have also sat in the coffee shop and read my book, gone shopping, and chased after the bus. It sounds silly, but it felt so great! After I got on the bus I plopped down on a seat and sent the bf a text: “Just chased after a bus in gawd knows how long! Feels great”.
As I am able to do more and more by myself it feels like I am gaining pieces of myself back. I always knew who I was, but I was drowning in the epilepsy, and I was entrenched in the fear of seizures and who I was as a person living with epilepsy. I just celebrated my birthday and I feel like I am starting a new chapter in my life. Starting to regain my health is amazing, and I couldn’t ask for a better birthday gift. I feel like 2013 will be a really good year for me. I have learned so much in 2012, and I can just take what I’ve learned and tuck it into my back pocket for future reference. I also want to remember to stick by the epilepsy community, even though my seizures are better controlled now. Just because I am doing better in my health as of right now, I think it’s important to stay active in this community, because it’s a very warm and welcoming community. Everyone has shown me so much support through my tough times, and I want to be able to return the favour. Hope you’re doing well! Love you all! xox