So since I’ve been back at school, I’ve been super busy. I’ve been busy with school, adjusting with living a more independent lifestyle, and living day to day while having seizures in between the mix. I love what I am doing at school, and it makes me feel like I’m on a good path, career-wise.
But, I’m not going to lie: I tend to put on a good face even when I feel like crap. It just feels second nature to me. It’s easier to get through the bad days when I put on a good face because I hate burying my face under the covers for days at a time. Also, lets face it: I hate throwing myself pity parties. Also, I feel like I will feel like I am doing better than I am if I put on a good face. It’s kind of a mental mind trick. And I don’t like to focus on all the negative things that are going on in my life all the time. It’s just not fun.
But, since this is my blog, I can write about negative things all I want because I feel other people can benefit from it too. I also feel like it’s cathartic, because I’m actually a pretty private person, and don’t actually let on how much things are affecting me. I don’t know why. Maybe I just don’t want people to worry? Maybe I just don’t want people to see seizures as to completely encompass who I am? Mostly I think I don’t want people to pity me. I hate pity. Mostly I’m trying to understand what’s happening, because it’s very confusing and frustrating. I’m still having seizures every other day, whether in my sleep or somewhere on campus. It’s pretty stressful because besides the stress of being back at school, and the stress of increased seizures, I don’t know what is causing them. I also worry about hitting my head and getting a concussion. I had an incident last week where I came very close to getting a concussion, but thank god I had a Guardian angel who put her hand under my head as I fell during my seizure so I didn’t hit the tile during the seizure.
I find though, that being social helps me take my mind off my worries. Last night I met up with one of my friends and we went to the mall and tried on clothes. We chatted and laughed and then we went out for dinner. Just by socializing and laughing made the stress go away. Since I know that I always feel better when I see my friends (plus I love my friends!) I always make sure I see a few friends every week. That prevents me from feeling isolated, which makes me focus even more on the seizures.
Take away message: I am still doing everything I want to do despite these silly health problems. Some days I feel pooped, but that’s what tea is for. Or sometimes I go to bed early. Or, if I have a seizure mid-day, I just have to cancel plans and go to bed. It’s reality. I’m not giving up, just working at my own pace until things are under better control. I am so thankful that my University is so supportive and I have a network of supportive friends and family, plus an amazing boyfriend. **Deep Breath**. I feel better already. I hope you’re having a great day. If you’re ever having a tough day, look around you and remember your support networks, or the little things that make things beautiful. It helps to make life better. Hope you’re all doing well! Love you all! xox