The Frustration of Seizures- What Did I Do Wrong?

not-keep-calm-because-i-cant-sleepSo I’m up tonight not because I want to be, but because I’m nervous. As I was trying to fall asleep I woke up to a shaking foot and flapping wrist. My wrist was seizing so badly it was almost painful. Now I am scared to go to back to sleep. After having one seizure it sometimes triggers a cluster of more seizures, especially during sleep. I will wake up seizing, go back to sleep, and wake up seizing again. This can happen up to about ten times during the night. It’s hard to know the exact number because it’s kinda hard to keep track of. I am frustrated. What did I do wrong to trigger the seizure? I ate properly today, stayed hydrated, and avoided the extreme heat that we have been having this summer. I worked hard all day helping my parents clean the house, and although it was arduous I didn’t even put in half the amount of work they did.

This chronic condition is truly a pain in my ass in this moment. I want to go to sleep but am too scared to. I am not living in the moment. I am also worrying that by staying up it will ruin my tomorrow by being too tired to do much. My seizures have decreased significantly over the last few months, but it’s hard to have one once you feel like they’ve kinda gone away…even if it’s a little seizure that causes no physical damage. I feel sad. I wish this chronic condition would just go away. I totally know that life could be way worse, and in reality I am actually doing pretty well.

So, I just needed to get that off my chest. Love you all xox

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6 thoughts on “The Frustration of Seizures- What Did I Do Wrong?”

  1. Its a frustrating condition and i wish i could take it away from you. Writing a post when u couldnt sleep is a good idea! Keep up the energy ny darling xo

  2. I can relate to this, and all the more so recently. Two days ago, I had my first seizure in over two years; considering where it happened, it’s likely I suffered at least one concussion. As if this weren’t bad enough, it meant that missed the wedding of one of my oldest, dearest friends. If it had happened a week earlier or a week later that would have been okay, but that’s never the case, is it?

    Of course, I am so, so appreciative of the help given to me by my friends and family; I’m lucky enough that my girlfriend is a critical care nurse. But for some reason, this time around there’s a marked, distinct sense of embarrassment and frustration that follows. Thank you so much for having the courage to write this.

    1. I am so sorry that you had a seizure that left you in recovery for awhile. You are strong! We’ll get through this! Also I am glad that people out there are reading and are getting something from this blog. 🙂

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