So I can’t believe that it’s already the end of the year. I know I say this every year, but somehow this year feels different. So much has happened this year so it took some time to wrap my head around all of it. You have been there to hear about most of it. One thing that I must start with though is that my New Year’s Goals List was far too long. God I’m ambitious! Among it was to graduate university, (duh) get a great social work job, get a tattoo, write daily in my journal, use my gratitude jar and exercise regularly- just to name a few.
I realized something important though. Through all the ups and downs of 2014 I achieved something that was extremely difficult in 2012-2013. I became part of civilization again. Now, if you are someone who is able to leave your house everyday, go to work and participate in social gatherings, it doesn’t really occur to you. You just go through the motions and ups and downs of your experiences. I know what that’s like because I have been there too. But when your anxiety is so high that you can only operate within certain perametres of your environment, life feels scary and everything feels like a threat. I was scared to try things outside my comfort zone, because there was always the hypothetical seizure looming on my back. One of my good friends got me to go to an exercise class with her, which was huge. The shame I felt surrounding having seizures seemed to grow like a tumor and I was so afraid of what people would think or say. I was so appreciative of my friend’s relentlessness, and although it sounds like an odd thing to say but sometimes you need your friends to give you a little shove in the right direction. I also went boxing day shopping this year which I definitely would not have done in the past few years. Progress, progress, progress.
The support that I felt from my friends and family was huge, and I felt it whether through text, call, email or face to face. Its presence did not go unnoticed.
I am writing this on December 30, and I realized something about myself with this Epilepsy. Although I have a network of friends and I was able to graduate, I still had a dull feeling of depression residing within me. (Otherwise known as dysthymia). I had forgotten who I was. I was Epilepsy and Epilepsy was me. I had nothing going on but trips to the hospital, doctor, and constant medication changes. As 2014 rolled on and I returned home after graduation, it seemed like I was having a mid-life crisis, which is a little jarring for a 24 year old.
My time at the Epilepsy Hospital was disappointing, as no new information was found despite invasive and extensive testing. I began to wonder if I could ever be ‘fixed’ (like a crappy old computer or something). I know everyone at the hospital is still working on my case, but perhaps I went into the whole situation with higher hopes than I should have. Epilepsy can be complicated, and in my case sometimes there is no known reason as to why a person has seizures. Accepting that facet of my life has been very difficult. However, not to jinx anything but my new medication seems to be working which is a major bonus.
However, to be totally candid 2014 has been disappointing. I know my seizures have decreased but it is what it is. I hope 2015 is better. I’m sorry, I just can’t be optimistic 24/7.
On the other hand, here are 5 awesome things that happened this year:
1. Graduating from University
2. The opportunity for extensive testing at the Neurological Hospital
3. I was able to see my cousins for the first time in years
4. I adopted my dog
5. My medication is working for the time being
I am going to send you off with a quote that my friend posted on facebook. It uplifted me and I realized how badly I needed to see it. She managed to sum up what I wanted to say in almost 1000 words. Here are her words of wisdom:
“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.. Bring it on 2015, I’m ready.” – A close friend
Love you all! xox
As a new blogger and awardee myself, I have had to research more about the Liebster Award:
• It is an award that exists only on the internet and is awarded to bloggers by bloggers.
• The word “liebster” is German in origin and has several definitions that include dearest, sweetest, kindest, nicest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, welcome, sweetheart and boyfriend (really?) (Thank you MJ for their research!!).
Firstly, the blogs that I nominated are:
Fighting BED https://ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com/
My Epilepsy- The Great Shake http://kirstysblog03.wordpress.com/
No Such Thing As Can’t http://nosuchthingascant613.wordpress.com/
dragonandrose- My Personal Experiences with Epilepsy http://dragonandrose.me/
Aspergers on The Outside https://aspergersontheoutside.wordpress.com/
I gratefully accepted this award and am now paying it forward! Now the questions I must answer are daunting and will cause me to scratch my head. I shall do my best though!
1. What is the main goal of your blog?
Initially, this blog was meant to talk about Social Work and Body Image. However, once I found out that there was a community of people on wordpress who shared their daily experiences of living with Epilepsy, I thought it would help me to work through the frustrations and triumphs of my condition and be able to share it with others. I also hope to educate others about Epilepsy, as I find that there is little understanding about what Seizures are, as well as what to and not do do in Seizure first aid.
2. Link to your most favourite blog post and tell why it’s your favourite.
My favourite post on my blog so far is “Let Me Tell You My Story About Being Strong and Vulnerable”. https://sitagaia.wordpress.com/2014/09/24/let-me-tell-you-my-story-about-being-strong-and-vulnerable/
Through these past few years I have learned that being true to myself and the ability to be vulnerable has fostered some very strong friendships. I have also learned that my friends and family wanted to help me no matter how bad the situation was. I learned a lot from Brene Brown (Her Ted Talk is in the post) and it made me realize how much it connected with my current journey. By being vulnerable, and my true self, I have found meaningful connections.
3. What is the one moment in your life you would re-do if you had the opportunity?
This is a very difficult question. I generally think my actions through very carefully before acting, but I am human. I think I would take back ever hurting anyone’s feelings during a fight or in an everyday conversation. I hate to think of people suffering with pain.
4. If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?
I would say telepathy, but reading other people’s thoughts seems kind of like a violation. So instead I would choose invisibility. I could shrink away from awkward situations and no one would know where I went.
5. If you could have a large block of free time, what would you be doing?
I would want to spend it with my good friends, whether we were drinking coffee or going for a walk. Spending quality time with good friends is priceless.
6. When was the last time you were so happy you broke out in tears? And why?
Well I would say my university convocation, but you already know that. Four years ago I worked at three different group homes helping the individuals integrate into the community by going on outings and partaking in fitness activities. One of the residents loved Mamma Mia, so I helped plan a Mamma Mia party where residents of the three different homes could socialize and watch the movie. It was my last regular shift, and although I knew that my boss asked me whether I liked chocolate or vanilla cake (chocolate!) I had no idea how much else she had up her sleeve. At the cutting of the cake she gave me a few gifts from the organization, and when I thought it would be a good idea to say a few things to everyone I burst into tears. I had no idea how much the residents truly liked me, and the fact that I was going to be leaving was a big deal. Additionally, I didn’t realize how much working with the different individuals impacted me on a personal level. One of the residents who is very quiet came over and hugged me during my sobfest. It was so moving I can barely explain it. I can’t recall spontaneously bursting into tears out of pure gratitude like that before.
7. How has your faith had an effect on your life, relationships, and blog?
Faith hasn’t played a big role in my life, relationships or blog. Although there are times where I ask “someone” out there that my new medication will work or that the seizures will stop, generally it does not play an important role in my life.
8. Who is the person you’ve learned the most from in your life?
Ouch this is a tough question, because I feel that I have learned something from everyone in my life. Both of my parents, as well as my older sibling have taught me a lot, so I really do not know where I would be without them. If I would have to narrow it down to just one person, I would have to say it is my Mom, because she has imparted words of wisdom that have helped me greatly in my journey. She has taught me that it is okay to carve my own path, even though it may be different from my peers. My journey is uniquely mine and that is okay. She also has had many life experiences, plus her empathic nature has helped to teach me how to treat others with love and kindness. I hope to grow up to be like her.
9. What are 3-5 adjectives that sum up who you are?
I wonder if my friends and family will agree? 😉
Conscientious
Bubbly
Friendly
Audacious
Thoughtful
10. Name something on your bucket list. Why did it make it on your list?
I don’t really have a bucket list per se, but I do have a “life plan”. So my life plan has been to go to university, get a fulfilling job, travel, etc etc. But the one thing on this so called bucket list is to see both Adele and Lady Gaga in concert. Separate concerts, of course. There is something so beautiful and heart wrenching about Adele’s music that I just want to fall to my knees and weep. (Not spontaneously haha). Her music just touches me in a way that is indescribable. In addition, Lady Gaga doesn’t just put on a concert, she puts on a performance. I must see what this magical performance is like before I die!