This past weekend was the screening of a mental health doc that I took part in with five other youths, over a three month period. I was very anxious to see it, because although I had watched it before there is a part with me at the end that is very intense. I wasn’t sure how my boyfriend, friend, and family would respond. It was a very exhausting experience, because I and the other youths (we were actually all young adults, but whatever) were asked questions and there was ongoing applause which made me feel uncomfortable. It felt weird for being commended for being so authentic, when all that happened (in my mind) was that I was horribly miserable and depressed for months.
I finally gave in to anti depressants (or “happy pills” as I like to call them) and once they kicked in I stopped feeling so unmotivated and stopped beating myself up over things that I couldn’t control. The epilepsy is something that I beat myself up about because despite having Refractory Epilepsy, I feel like I shouldn’t be living at home, have a job, and be doing all the other things that I consider a “successful” person to be. I need to stop comparing myself to my past self, and focus on life, day by day. I think about things that I am grateful for- such as my little JoJo is curled up on my bed with me which is really nice. I also have an amazing family, boyfriend, and friends. I also have you, because you have taken time out of your day to read my life experiences.
Unfortunately I will not be able to share the mental health doc with a link on here, as the filmer wants to submit the documentary to different film festivals. I never really thought about how my face would be an example of mental health, and that people in other cities, provinces, or even the US could see it. I look like a totally different person today, because in the documentary I looked very pale and tired. I don’t look so pale and tired these days, which is a nice feeling. Not just for aesthetic reasons, but it isn’t fun walking around with ginormous bags under your eyes and it seems as though you can barely function. Thankfully I can function, and click down the street in my cowboy boots, so that seems like an accomplishment. Wait! It IS an accomplishment! Woo go me! Hopefully the documentary will be accepted for different film festivals, and I would be very happy for the filmer and producer if that is the case.
What else is up?! It is almost November!!! You know what that means! Epilepsy Awareness month!! I got part of my bangs dyed purple just for the occasion, and I am hosting an Epilepsy Awareness party. I have to live with it 24/7, so to educate people about it is a great feeling. I am very passionate about being an Epilepsy Advocate, so I am always happy to share info with people and continue to spread the word that it is tough to live with.
Are you doing anything for Epilepsy Awareness in November? Are you touched by mental health issues or know someone who is?? Let me know!
lots of love! xox