It is almost midnight here, and I am writing this in a post-ictal state. (Post seizure). My tummy hurts and I feel nauseous. I fell face down on the carper while I was getting ready for bed, and hallucinated that my mum was there, telling me not to get up When I came to- my mum was nowhere in sight.
My seizures have come back in an aggressive manner. Not just a little Absence seizure here, but I fall flat on my face, and on public transit-to name a few. I am getting worn out by my seizures, so I am learning that I need to slow the f*ck down, which is hard for me.
It is hard for me because I am very extraverted. I love planning meet ups, (if you can go to one I recommend it!) seeing current friends and making new ones.Even if not much is going on at home I need to go to my local coffee shop to be around people. Otherwise I get lethargic and sometimes I get low mood. I NEED to be around people, (i’m okay being alone-but I always set the bar high for my achievements). When I was in high school? Even though my seizures were controlled, I was contending with a learning disorder and I told myself I would get high grades, despite the two. I graduated with Honors with Distinction and won the Writing 12 and Spanish 12 award.
My question is why?? WHY do people with Chronic Illnesses (myself included) feel the need to constantly be high achievers? Even when our health is at the bottom of the crapper! I want to achieve something. Doing little makes me feel bad, as I have so many other ideas I want to execute. To even focus energy on two things takes a lot out of me. I know I have Refractory Epilepsy, (which to refresh your memory is hard to control Epilepsy), but I hate not contributing to society!! Even when I took a year off of university, I painted my nails regularly because it made me feel like i was doing *something*.
Do you have this issue? Can you give me any advice? Anything? Please??
Lots of love,
Sita Gaia xox