My Biggest F*cking Aha Moment

Today I had the biggest fucking aha moment. I was standing in the kitchen with my mum, after a dinner that my dad had prepared.

I have been going through a rough patch recently, with constant low mood, which has put a damper on my every day quality of living. On some days it is an accomplishment if I make the 15 minute walk to the Starbucks near my house. The depression feels like it eats me alive sometimes…and although I don’t lie in bed and cry, my body feels numb. I can’t feel anything. I tell people that the mental health aspect of the epilepsy is harder to deal with than the epilepsy itself. I have burnt myself with hot tea due to a seizure. No problem. I was able to rise from the ashes like a phoenix with four months of bandage changes, and a period of time on morphine and Tylenol Arthritis. The physical pain was awful, but I could still get through my every day life.

I have gone into a tail spin when I saw that a peer has gotten their Master’s degree in Social Work. As I told my mum so many times, “This wasn’t supposed to happen!” I wasn’t supposed to have my diagnosis changed to Refractory epilepsy. I was supposed to be normal, able to go out without worrying about what people will think when I ask for the disability seat, and not feel like my soul is drowning in depression on the really bad days. You can tell it’s been a bad time when you see me in the same outfit multiple days in a row, or when I need to put clothes on the floor near my bed so I can easily reach them when I have zero motivation to do anything.

Regardless, while we were in the kitchen, my mum put her hands on my shoulders and said “You are doing so, so, well. For someone in your situation, I am so impressed.” I was flabbergasted. What? I was doing well? ME!? On the days that I hide under my covers? The fact that I am not independent? “Yes,” my mum said. “You still get out there and socialize, and you ask for help when you need it. You could just be in a hole, but you make the effort not to be.

WOAH. My mum is right. I could just hide and be in my own little world. I’m not though! I am taking a pre-requisite at a community college, am an active co-organizer of a queer women’s Meet Up group, see friends, practice yoga, ask for help when I need it,  and spend time with my family….to name a few things.

Holy shit guys, I’m not letting life pass me by! I am living it- chronic illness and all!! I am not a failure!!

Love,
Sita and JoJo xox

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Saying Goodbye to 2016

Let me start this off with by saying that 2016 was a hellish year for most people I know. It was a very difficult year, politically, and  Canada accepted over 39 thousand Syrian Refugees. We lost so many influential celebrities- and for me the loss of Canadian Poet and Musician, Leonard Cohen was the loss I felt the most. He has always been special to me and my family. This is my favourite song of his It touches me deep in the heart.

I don’t really want to go into the politics of the year, but for me personally 2016 was dynamite!

pride-week-logoIn 2016, I finally had the courage to come out to all of my friends and family as bisexual. (Or Queer, as I like to call myself). That lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders, as I had been questioning my sexuality since grade 7. I didn’t understand if I liked women, as I also have a big interest in fashion…so it took a lot of questioning to know whether I liked a woman based on her style or…that she was cute. I had the opportunity to date some fabulous women, and for the future, I know what I do and do not want in my relationships. Through coming out, I have made some spectacular friends, whom I am in contact with on a regular basis with. (I even run a meet up group with one!) I was so scared about coming out, as I was afraid that because I was bi, I would experience biphobia. That is not the case, as I was embraced by everyone. I could not have been happier! I did not experience discrimination from the people in my community, which made me so happy!

2016 I also did my Ted Talk which was amazing and so rewarding! I had worked frantically to produce an excellent talk, (and up to my standards). I expected that my talk might make waves at the conference, but baby, it made a splash! I also had the opportunity to meet so many incredible people, which in and of itself was amazing! I dabbled in entrepreneurship for a bit after that, but then realized that my true calling was Addictions Counselling. Which is my venture that starts this Friday January 5!! I am so excited!! To be heading back to school is truly amazing!

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Also- in 2016,(last but definitely not least)  I started to regain my health. I went for long stretches without seizures, and was even able to travel to Montreal, Ottawa, and Toronto by myself for my friend’s wedding. It was amazing to reconnect with friends that I hadn’t seen in two years or more.

I think the big take away from 2016 for me is that I have gained direction for my life, and what I really want to be doing. It is such a relief to finally have a direction, and to stick to it.

May I go boldly into 2017 with gratitude and confidence.

Lots of love,
Sita and JoJo xox