My Biggest F*cking Aha Moment

Today I had the biggest fucking aha moment. I was standing in the kitchen with my mum, after a dinner that my dad had prepared.

I have been going through a rough patch recently, with constant low mood, which has put a damper on my every day quality of living. On some days it is an accomplishment if I make the 15 minute walk to the Starbucks near my house. The depression feels like it eats me alive sometimes…and although I don’t lie in bed and cry, my body feels numb. I can’t feel anything. I tell people that the mental health aspect of the epilepsy is harder to deal with than the epilepsy itself. I have burnt myself with hot tea due to a seizure. No problem. I was able to rise from the ashes like a phoenix with four months of bandage changes, and a period of time on morphine and Tylenol Arthritis. The physical pain was awful, but I could still get through my every day life.

I have gone into a tail spin when I saw that a peer has gotten their Master’s degree in Social Work. As I told my mum so many times, “This wasn’t supposed to happen!” I wasn’t supposed to have my diagnosis changed to Refractory epilepsy. I was supposed to be normal, able to go out without worrying about what people will think when I ask for the disability seat, and not feel like my soul is drowning in depression on the really bad days. You can tell it’s been a bad time when you see me in the same outfit multiple days in a row, or when I need to put clothes on the floor near my bed so I can easily reach them when I have zero motivation to do anything.

Regardless, while we were in the kitchen, my mum put her hands on my shoulders and said “You are doing so, so, well. For someone in your situation, I am so impressed.” I was flabbergasted. What? I was doing well? ME!? On the days that I hide under my covers? The fact that I am not independent? “Yes,” my mum said. “You still get out there and socialize, and you ask for help when you need it. You could just be in a hole, but you make the effort not to be.

WOAH. My mum is right. I could just hide and be in my own little world. I’m not though! I am taking a pre-requisite at a community college, am an active co-organizer of a queer women’s Meet Up group, see friends, practice yoga, ask for help when I need it,  and spend time with my family….to name a few things.

Holy shit guys, I’m not letting life pass me by! I am living it- chronic illness and all!! I am not a failure!!

Love,
Sita and JoJo xox

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8 thoughts on “My Biggest F*cking Aha Moment”

  1. I agree with your Mum. Remember everyone out there can drive and do all those things most people do. Just picture them with Epilepsy for a while…. it could hit them tomorrow even though they don’t believe it. You also have to remember that life could be worse….. yes, Epilepsy does suck. But there are others out there that have even bigger hurdles. xoxo

  2. Sorta – I had the good fortune of meeting you through my neice but only once. That one time meeting impressed me so much – your joie de vivre, eternal optimism and insight. I continue to see that your mindfulness allows you to accept things as they are, knowing that each moment comes and it goes. So glad you have the support of your parents and many friends. With much respect ❤

  3. THANKS TO DR EWOIG FOR CURING MY SON
    My son has partial epilepsy for the past 18 years. Dr’s have tried various means but he has seizures almost every month. The first epileptic occurred when he was five years old. i took him to a specialist who subscribed anti-epileptic medication. From then on he had to take four capsules per day, but most of the time he had seizures until I got to know about Dr.ewoig product to cure epilepsy. we order for the product, now i can tell you my son is now living a better life thanks to dr ewoig His herbal remedy is the only permanent solution to Seizure. You can always contact him through his email for more information(johnewoig18@gmail.com)

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