My seizures have officially been deemed “stable” by my neourologist. I am not really sure how to react to this news. I have been waiting for this news for 7 years and BOOM. I get it. This doesn’t mean that I am cured, it just means that the Vagus Nerve Stimulator, along with all of my other meds, seem to be working.
My feelings are mixed about all of this. I have been used to be deemed “too sick to do x”, running through a million different medication combinations until my doctors found the right one, and always being weary about dropping to the ground without warning. I haven’t fully felt capable of doing much for awhile, despite working hard to complete my undergraduate degree, doing a TEDX talk, to name a few things. Despite my seizures being under control, my depression has been labell.
I have great conversations with my psychologist, and I asked him if people with intense depression can still function everyday without seeming like there’s anything wrong. He said absolutely. It is easy to mask how you feel, or not even be able to access how you feel. That’s how I have been feeling lately…like my feelings are there but they are hard to access.. I know that I don’t feel my feelings sometimes, and sometimes I sleep in too late or can’t sleep at all. Those are three of the many symptoms of depression. I wish it would just go away. I thought I would be jumping up and down with joy when I was deemed stable but to be honest it’s a messy jumble of thoughts.
I met up with a friend who could potentially have a severe chronic illness if she has another episode…not my story to tell. Regardless, I told her not to see herself as living with a chronic illness, first and foremost. I have become so used to seeing myself as a person living with epilepsy. Kinda limiting, I dunno if you ask me. Did I fail to mention I am getting married, am a pet mom, and loyal friend and sweet daughter. (most times I think?) By the way I am terrible at wedding planning, but that’s another story.
Am I stoked my seizures are stable? Hell ya! Is it confusing and upsetting because I prepared myself to live as a person with a chronic illness for life? Definitely. Is it weird getting call backs for interviews? I move at lightning speed and started applying for work as soon as I was told I could. I’m nervous and excited. I love working, I just feel rusty.
These are feelings I never thought I would have to deal with.
Sita Gaia xox