Hey my lovelies,
I have been busy working on my poetry and thinking about other approaches for a public talk. Life at Full Volume has been put on the back burner for a bit, but I am back!
The other day I was at an intimate public speaking venue, and I was one of the speakers. I was the second speaker, and then I sat down and enjoyed the following talks. I started to feel seizure-y, and as I have explained before I have Psychogenic Non Epileptic Seizures. My epileptic seizures seem to be under control, and I thought I was mostly getting my PNES under control, too.
Since I have the Vagus Nerve Stimulator, I swiped my magnet across it a few times in case of an epileptic seizure. It did not occur to me that it could have been PNES. If you have never known that you have witnessed PNES it looks like a panic attack mixed with a grand mal seizure. I don’t remember a lot, but I remember my eyes fluttering like crazy, and I tried kicking the leg of my chair for someone to help me. I was already rigid, and in my vague memory I was brought to the floor by my friend who happened to be sitting at a different table. The host of the event told the speaker to stop speaking, and since I was conscious, I was aware that everyone knew something was happening. It was so embarrassing! I was on the floor, rigid, kicking my left leg. Thank god it stopped and my friend helped me up and the host made sure I went and sat down in a different part of the club to recover. I was so lucky that everyone was SO supportive, and now that I write this out, I don’t feel as embarrassed or humiliated anymore. It was “just a thing” that happened.
As the host said, use your energy to focus on other projects! I don’t need to be embarrassed! I was my truest rawest self in that moment. What a waste yesterday was-feeling horrible and embarrassed. I am SO glad that I managed to get past that!
Here is to vulnerable moments, being your most raw self, and being able to move past embarrassing moments.