Tag Archives: Ativan

When You have an Excited Type of Insomnia

Hey friends! I am writing this to you at 2am my time on a Sunday morning….or perhaps it is still very late in the night for a Saturday. Regardless, I can’t sleep.

I am taking a trip in officially 19 days to Montreal, Ottawa, and Toronto to see friends that I haven’t seen in 2 years. TWO YEARS! These buds are from university, and I still make a pointed effort to stay in touch with all of them even if it’s a “Hey how is work going?” Or “How’s your love life??” I think both can be dreaded questions to answer for some but it’s a good way to keep in touch.

I am so excited I am making lists of things I need to do. Some of them are embarrassing, but whatever.

1. I NEED to buy new panties! Just like socks, all of mine have vanished. I am looking for cheap panties, so unfortunately no La Senza for me. 😦

2. I need a book or two to keep me occupied during my flights, and Greyhound bus trips. I think the Salvation Army  nearby keeps a stack of books.

3. Oh, did I not mention that I am travelling out East because my friend of ALL my friends is the first to get married?! She has been engaged for two years, and I knew that she was going to be proposed to before she did. It was a little secret between me and the groom. Regardless, I need to get them a wedding gift.

4.I need to book my greyhound bus trips, and trip home from Toronto.

5. This might sound silly, but I want to print a few pics to keep in my purse to show friends what I have been up to these past two years. This year in and of itself has been amazing!!

I am so excited I don’t know what to do with myself. I am a super excitable person, as most of my friends and family know, so maybe I need to practice my yoga every day to chill out and not trigger any seizures. (Yes I have had a seizure from being excited!) lol I was accidentally a dummy and booked the red eye flight to Montreal, so I will take some ativan on the flight to prevent seizures and so I arrive in Montreal in one piece. haha my history of flights and seizures is not in the clear, but that’s for another day.

Wooohooo!!  I am so excited! Please make Sunday come faster!!

What are you excited about in your life? Post in the comments down below! Don’t be shy! ((I told you I need panties for heaven’s sake 😉 )

Lots of love! xox

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I Am Embarrassed to Have Seizures

embarrassedwoman

I have never really talked about this much before on my blog. I have talked about stigma, which is the major root of this feeling, but not this feeling alone. Now I am going to look at this underbelly of my feelings, and look under the corpse of the whale and really look at what it is that I have avoided for so long.

I am embarrassed of having seizures. I am embarrassed of when I have seizures in public. I can tell when people revert their eyes, or when I have to leave the room to get some air or when there’s too much stimulation. I am embarrassed. Let me examine the word embarrassment. I would say that at the root of embarrassment is some sort of shame. It feels shameful to lose control of my body. It feels gross to involuntarily drool or make snorting sounds. I have bumps and bruises all over me from falling off chairs and flipping off beds. I try to make the most of the cards I was dealt in life, and so I do, but seizures make it difficult to do certain things. The other day I was at an event and due to the nature of the event I was attacked (I wasn’t actually ‘attacked’ but it makes it sound more dramatic) by a mob of flash photographers. It was a major trigger for a seizure and I couldn’t be part of the photo. Thankfully I had some ativan on me, but I had to be careful the rest of the night, and I felt groggy and needed my caffeine to keep the night going. (Even though I have sworn off mostly all caffeinated drinks). I made the best of the night and absolutely refused to let the seizures get me down, and thank god very few people noticed, but it has taken the wind out of my sails and I am resting for the next day in order to regain my stamina for the next day.

My seizures sometimes have warnings and I can sit down quickly and in a safe spot, and sometimes I have no warning at all. Sometimes I have no choice but to just sit down and seize and move around uncomfortably with curious onlookers. I fucking hate it! I wish that part of my brain would stop! I am the type of person who smiles all the time and who will tell you that things are always going well. It is hard to talk about this kind of stuff, and it causes pain and anxiety.

Everyone cares about me, and I SO appreciate that. Where would I be in this world without them? Sometimes though I just wish I could shrink into my seat and not receive the type of attention that I do. I am grateful for the people that care for me, I just wish they didn’t have a reason to be caring. You know what I mean? I love them all and I am so glad to have them in my life. Anyway, this is the end of my rant. This is the most true and raw I have been in awhile. I hope you see it. Love you all! xox