Halle-f*ing-luah! I made it out of the house! I have been struggling a lot with depression again as it has decided to loom it’s ugly head.
If you have never had any depressive episodes, first of all knock on wood immediately. In my talking with my mental health crap, everyone experiences it very differently.
My depression is like a wet towel. It’s not cold, but very heavy. I mean, have you ever tried carrying around a sopping wet towel? Not too comfortable. At the same time, I don’t feel super happy or sad. I just can’t really feel anything. Ask me to meet you somewhere last minute? Forget it. It is very hard carrying my body around- and I think people feel this regardless of their weight.
My depression is a bit of a trickster. It tells me that no one likes me, and someone is ignoring me on purpose. It tells me I am alone, when in fact I have an amazing fiancee who works her ass off, parents who couldn’t be more supportive, and a brother who lends support from afar. I have friends who check in with me, and cousins I can talk to, plus extended family.
My friend Ty has been through the same stuff as I am going through, and when I was struggling to put on my shoes he said “I always know that I’ll feel better when I leave”. A mantra that I used in university popped into my head “I’ve done it before so I can do it again”. Like that, I managed to pop my feet into my ever so stylish if Kate Spade and Keds had a baby shoes, and grabbed the keys. Oh My GOD! I made it! I probably sat there on the couch for ten minutes trying to decide whether to go out. I wanted the stimulation of other people being around, so naturally doing my writing in a coffee shop seemed ideal.
The world was a bit grey and gloomy out, but I was so proud to walk down the street. I just knew I wasn’t able to lie on the couch the rest of the day. (Even though my fiancee offered to get my blister pack, I wanted to take that task out of her day).
I know this will pass, and since I have been there before I know that for sure. So if you’re struggling, try and see a doctor (even a walk-in clinic) if you are able, and try to challenge yourself to what seems like the biggest barrier.
Hey friends! Happy Labor Day! If you are enjoying this Holiday, thank a Union worker who made this holiday possible.
This past weekend I have been more tired than I have ever been in my life. I ended up sleeping for several days. I have had some of my medications increased, which has increased my fatigue. Coffee is now my best friend. I am going to contact my Neuro’s Nurse tomorrow to express my concerns with her.
Lately though, I feel my identity is chained to my Epilepsy. Over the past few years, I feel as though Epilepsy has become my identity. I am happy to advocate on behalf of people with chronic health issues, but that’s all that I am now. Before my seizures were bad, I used to be a student, a health nut, and I LOVED to dance (specifically Zumba). My seizures have decreased, but that is due to the increase of medications which are making me tired like you might not believe.
I feel like it is easy for a person to lose sight of who they are. In my case, I feel tired all the time and I can’t really talk to others about things that are NOT related to my health. I love fashion, clothes, and styling outfits. I probably got that from years of watching What Not to Wear. Lots of physical activities I used to do I can’t do anymore. My health has been in limbo for 5 years, which is hard to manage.
I’m in an unhappy place right now. If you have Epilepsy, know you’re not alone. If you are a friend, spouse, sister/brother, etc just try to understand that we can go through these rough times.
As a person living with epilepsy, I not only fight seizures, but I fight fatigue. And I fight fatigue with a mighty vengeance, baby. You’re probably wondering why I’m so fatigued. Well, I’m on a lot of Anti Epileptic Drugs (that’s just a fancy way of saying medication, but I kinda like Anti Epileptic Drugs. It sounds fancy!) and a common side effect of all of them is fatigue. So I can easily have a solid eight hour sleep and still feel tired throughout the day. It’s not the kind of tired where it’s like “Oh, a little coffee could cure this!” It’s the kind of tired where you feel like you could fall into bed and sleep for hours. And hours. And HOURS. But the thing is, sleep does absolutely nothing to fix this side effect. In my opinion, it just makes it worse, because you’re throwing off your sleep cycle even more. I’ve found that the cure for this is constant activity, even if the activity is meditation. So yesterday, I took my theory to the test.
I woke up bright and early to the most obnoxious alarm. I rolled over and turned it off and was somehow able to hop out of bed. I had a to-do list to complete so I had to get moving! Usually I stay in my pj’s for about an hour while I eat breakfast in bed and listen to my white noise (as prescribed my biowave feedback doctor) and cruise facebook. Oh my gosh I can’t believe I am telling you my morning routines! Oh well. Anyways, I got dressed, put my laptop on my desk, and opened it up. Since it was Valentine’s Day I sent a little message to my boyfriend, who was already hard at work. Then I said good morning to the ‘rents, and decided to follow through on my New Years goal of meditation. I set up my yoga mat (parallel to my bed) and meditated for twenty minutes! Twenty minutes! Go me!!
Then, to keep the energy levels up, I turned on Songza and listened to this playlist http://songza.com/listen/bigchampagne-s-ultimate-chart-BigChampagne/. There is something about dancing alone in your room that is both liberating and ridiculous. It did its job though! It kept the energy levels up! I remember when I would be studying for exams and I couldn’t take it anymore I would take a little dance break in my room. Ha. It’s funny what memories come back to you. (Gosh, that makes me sound old. That was only a year and a half ago). I’m technically still a student! Just on medical leave!
Since my energy levels were still up, I took my little dog for a little walk. We didn’t go out for long thought because the weather was crapola. We still got it accomplished!
The last thing on my list was to make cupcakes. I figured that since it was Valentine’s Day, it would be a nice thing to do.
I was talking to my cousin on Facebook a couple of days before, and let me tell you, she is a fabulous baker. She had made a facebook status “Cupcakes In The Oven” and I couldn’t resist commenting. I love cupcakes. There is something about them that are so cute and delicious- needless to say. Since I have gotten in touch with her, it made me wish that I was with her, baking. So even though we couldn’t bake together (due to distance), she shared the recipe with me so I could try it out myself. I didn’t anticipate the cupcakes to turn out as well as hers, but it was something to do right? Oh my gosh, I must have spent about 2 hours making the cupcakes and then the frosting. I’m not used to making cupcakes and frosting from scratch! My dear Cuz-how do you do it?? Do you get sore from standing for so long?
Soo let me tell you. The cupcakes didn’t turn out that great. They could have baked for about ten more minutes. They were baked, but they could have been better. But the activity in general was fun, so that’s what counts! (See link at bottom of page for recipe)
Other than that, I watched so How I Met Your Mother on Netflix-Season 1 “Nothing Good Happens After 2pm” and had a good Skype chat with my boyfriend. By the way, How I Met Your Mother is my new obsession. I watched it when it was popular, but for some reason it’s the perfect show to watch when you just want to watch 22 minutes of TV.
Also, since I had NO caffeine, I had the most amazing sleep ever! I have been having some problems sleeping lately, but I rolled over and fell asleep quite quickly! Maybe it’s the combination of the mediation and the no caffeine! I am having a tea as I write this, but maybe if I keep this up, it will help.
Do you have fatigue as a side effect of medication? Do you have other side effects? I’d love to hear in the comments! Love to you all!