Tag Archives: low mood

The Ups and Downs of my Life With Epilepsy

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Hey guys! I can’t believe that summer is over already! It feels like July started and now it’s October. The leaves are falling and after a summer of concerning fires, it is finally sprinkling rain. It feels so good to finally wear fall clothes and use an umbrella.

I was let go of my job recently, and I am thinking a lot about life changes. Is it  the field that I want to be in? Am I being hasty? Thankfully I have the most amazing mum, and we are doing a workshop together about questioning our purposes and what we really want to do with life.

I know I have talked about depression on this site before bb’s, but I am worried I am falling into another pit of depression. I keep sleeping into as late as 11pm, and on a bad day, 12pm.  My partner had to convince me to get out of bed today, yet I still brought the duvet cover to our Chez Lounge.

I feel a little empty inside. I hate it when my zest for life is gone. That’s not the normal Sita Gaia. Having a chronic illness goes hand in hand with low mood and mental health issues. Do you have a chronic illness and other low moods or mental health issues??

It is super common for people with epilepsy to experience low mood, depression, and anxiety. Even just stress can trigger a seizure. Lately I have been having facial twitches due to psychological stress. I am concerned about more stress and low mood. Sita Gaia is doing her best though, that’s all I can tell you.

I remember my old Psychologist telling me when I was going through the pits of depression-to get up and leave the house right away. Thanks Mark! So I got up, got dressed, took out the garbage, and walked 3 blocks down to the Starbucks.

I am seeing my doctor tomorrow so hopefully I will get the help I need ASAP.

Lots of love,

Sita & JoJo

 

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My Biggest F*cking Aha Moment

Today I had the biggest fucking aha moment. I was standing in the kitchen with my mum, after a dinner that my dad had prepared.

I have been going through a rough patch recently, with constant low mood, which has put a damper on my every day quality of living. On some days it is an accomplishment if I make the 15 minute walk to the Starbucks near my house. The depression feels like it eats me alive sometimes…and although I don’t lie in bed and cry, my body feels numb. I can’t feel anything. I tell people that the mental health aspect of the epilepsy is harder to deal with than the epilepsy itself. I have burnt myself with hot tea due to a seizure. No problem. I was able to rise from the ashes like a phoenix with four months of bandage changes, and a period of time on morphine and Tylenol Arthritis. The physical pain was awful, but I could still get through my every day life.

I have gone into a tail spin when I saw that a peer has gotten their Master’s degree in Social Work. As I told my mum so many times, “This wasn’t supposed to happen!” I wasn’t supposed to have my diagnosis changed to Refractory epilepsy. I was supposed to be normal, able to go out without worrying about what people will think when I ask for the disability seat, and not feel like my soul is drowning in depression on the really bad days. You can tell it’s been a bad time when you see me in the same outfit multiple days in a row, or when I need to put clothes on the floor near my bed so I can easily reach them when I have zero motivation to do anything.

Regardless, while we were in the kitchen, my mum put her hands on my shoulders and said “You are doing so, so, well. For someone in your situation, I am so impressed.” I was flabbergasted. What? I was doing well? ME!? On the days that I hide under my covers? The fact that I am not independent? “Yes,” my mum said. “You still get out there and socialize, and you ask for help when you need it. You could just be in a hole, but you make the effort not to be.

WOAH. My mum is right. I could just hide and be in my own little world. I’m not though! I am taking a pre-requisite at a community college, am an active co-organizer of a queer women’s Meet Up group, see friends, practice yoga, ask for help when I need it,  and spend time with my family….to name a few things.

Holy shit guys, I’m not letting life pass me by! I am living it- chronic illness and all!! I am not a failure!!

Love,
Sita and JoJo xox