Even the strongest and most positive of people will have their breaking points. As mentioned earlier, I have always been told how strong of a person I am, despite the fact that I didn’t fully understand what my friends, family members and even professors meant when they told me this. Consequentially, I only gained a sense of my own strength once I feel it’s shiny surface finally start to crack and shatter at my feet in a million little shards.
I have also been told how positive and cheerful of a person I am. I’m an extrovert! I love meeting new people and savouring moments with old friends. If you know me in real life you know that I love to talk on the phone, go grab a coffee, go for a walk, etc etc. I wanna hear about everything that’s going on in your life! Having that connection with my friends gives me a real sense of purpose-and that I have friends in my life who care about what I’m going through.
This weekend has been tough though. On Sunday I had 15 seizures (due to reduced meds, which was safe to do since I am in a hospital and I am surrounded by nurses.This was also prescribed by my neurologist). The seizures seem to be continuing into Monday morning, and even though I was just given Ativan through an IV, my mood has dropped significantly. Having excessive amounts of seizures is exhausting, and can make you feel like you are not autonomous enough to do the things you want to. Additionally, seizures just seem to suck me into a dark cloud of sadness. I don’t know why. It’s just the way my brain is working.
Even though I was able to acquire my Bachelor of Social Work degree, I still have friends who are out and about working amazing jobs, living with roomies, and involved with partners. Having uncontrolled seizures isn’t my fault!! Some days I feel like such a terribly unaccomplished person. I can’t help it if I am high achieving! It’s hard to not compare yourself to your friends and younger family members, such as cousins. I honestly feel like the next few years of my life will consist of living in and out the hospital, but I really hope that it is not the case. I have hopes and dreams for the future. I want to become bilingual, study my Masters of Social Work at McGill University, and find my dream job in Montreal. I am itching to move and learn and meet new friends. I try to keep this at the top of my mind when I feel down, but every once in awhile my shiny exterior has to crack and the flood gates will burst.
So I guess that’s where I’m at now. Feeling discouraged, sad, and encompassed in the dark cloud that I dub post-ictal sadness. (For you non epileptics, Post-Ictal means “after a seizure”). I think I should have a conversation with The Universe soon, and make sure that I will ultimately receive treatment and that it will work. Living in hospitals forever doesn’t jive with me. 😉
Can you relate with any of these feelings? Do you feel “behind” in your life due to seizures? Worry that your son/daughter/brother/sister feel the same way? Send positive vibes my way! lots of love! xox
