Tag Archives: Tired

Learning How to Carve my Path with a Disability

Hey bb’s!

sleepy pugHow are you doing? I am feeling confused lately, as I am trying to learn how to carve my path while living with a disability.

When I was younger and filled with more zest, I imagined doing my undergrad, and then going to a renowned university for my Master’s. I would be that person sitting in the chair with her own private practice. I would be the person with the Master’s of Social Work. Not quite Brene Brown level, but still, higher up.

Regardless, I did manage to graduate with my Undergraduate of Social Work, with a Minor in Women’s and Gender Studies. If you haven’t noticed, Academics is very important to me and my family. My brother recently received his PhD, and his very serious girlfriend is working on hers as well as my cousin. I am not comparing myself to my cousin and my “sister” (that’s what I call my brother’s serious girlfriend), but I always saw myself going further academically.

Currently, I am disappointed with myself. Owch. That was hard to type. I have been told since forever that I am always too hard on myself, and that my standards for myself are too high. Isn’t it better to have standards that are too high versus too low? If I was happy playing video games while on disability, wouldn’t that be disappointing?!

I am currently unable to work as I have had too many serious life changes, so I need to adapt to them. I have always seen myself as a social worker, but part of me wishes I went to school for Marketing in Business. Since the crash of the economy, going back to school is not an option, plus I am not sure I can even swing it with being fatigued constantly. (Unless I sit in Starbucks all day and get free refills on coffee from my gold card).

My mom has told me since I was a teen “You’re going to carve your own path”. I did not yet have the wisdom to fully understand what she meant, but I always kept that in my back pocket.

I guess I am going to have to come up with a new path, which is hard because I have had one path in mind since I was 12.  Please can you help? Have you ever been in this situation?

Love,

Sita & Jojo

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When Chronic Illness Gets too F*cking Real

Chronic illness got too f*cking real today.

crying galI have been having seizures on and off since Sunday, but today was good. Or so it seemed. I have a massive headache, hence why I am drinking iced coffee, and have taken a few Tylenol. My parents are in the US because my brother is doing his PhD defense….and they wanted to be there to witness that. I thought “Awesome! My parents will be gone and my aunty will be staying with me!”

Last night I ended up barely sleeping, and I cried and cried in bed this morning because I felt horrible and wanted my mom. I also felt like an idiot, because as a 27 year old, I should be able to cope without my mom.

My aunt consoled me, and I waffled back and forth as to whether I would go to my one class this week. It is unfortunate that it is on a Thursday, as Thursdays tend to be my “crash day”. Ultimately, as the stubborn Taurus that I am, I headed off to meet a few friends before class so we could review some of the material for our quiz today. I also told the professor that I wanted to review a mark that I got on a previous assignment, so I couldn’t put that off. The professor had some great examples as to how I could improve, but I couldn’t help but feel the frustration that I wasn’t doing well in the class, and why it was so hard to pick up the skills. I managed to (mostly) hold myself together while talking to the prof, and after she said that she would let me take the quiz at a later date, I headed to the classroom to say hi and goodbye to some of my peers.

One of my peers caught me in the hallway and everything fell apart. I hate to complain about having epilepsy, but the headache, frustration, and going home all came to a head and I ended up having an ugly cry. She was so kind and hugged me and told me that she was frustrated too- and that she would text me regarding what happened in class. She hugged me which made it feel a bit better.

Finally I went and walked to the class, where my friend said he would walk me to the subway. I decided to refill my iced coffee, and when the guy in line at Starbucks turned to me and asked “How are you doing today?” I was very Un-Canadian and said “awful”. He didn’t know what to do with this information.

So, chronic illness has given me a blast. I am exhausted, feel over committed and stressed out because of one friggen course.

Love you lots,

Sita & JoJo

I’m Tired and I Know It

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Holy crap, I have started to take Aptiom, a new anti convulsant medication and it has the worst side effects ever. I am headachey, sleepy, tired, and in general just not feeling well.
😦 I am trying my hardest not to bitch about it to people I know, but it’s hard when I am already on so many medications as it is. I have only been on it a week and a little bit, but my body hates it so far.

Have you ever had an adverse side effect to medications? Are you taking this medication as of right now?

One Day of Sharp Incline in Seizures and Canadian voting!!

Hey friends! How was your weekend? Whether working or not, I hope it was a good one!

I spent today in a fog. Last night I had roughly 10 seizures throughout the night, and somehow I managed to get my Ativan to hopefully stop the seizures. My body was basically as though someone had left a switch on- and not in a good way. Do you ever have seizures and you are finally starting to slowly recover, and then another and another happens? That was basically was what it was like for me. It is a vague image in my mind, but I remember the shaking, the stiffening, and the confusion. By early morning of this Sunday I knew that I had to call off my plans with my friend because who knows? I could seize while going to the mall, in the mall or leaving the mall. I just could not take that chance, as much as I wanted to see my friend. She understood though which I was grateful for.
My boyfriend also came over this evening which was so so awesome. He is still learning about Epilepsy, so I forgot that he didn’t know that I can’t take in too much stimulation after a bunch of seizures, and that they effect my moods. He is doing a great job of learning, and all it takes is time. Do you have a new partner who is still adjusting to what living with Epilepsy is like?

canadian-flag-640Tomorrow is a huge deal for all of my fellow Canadians, and thankfully my head is not in a fog when it comes to voting, I am banking on the idea that my vote might help make a difference.

Otherwise my brain feels quiet and can’t take in too much excitement. I am so lucky that the pup JoJo slept close to me all day. What would we do without our dogs (and cats!)

Love you lots!

What an Unproductively Exhausting Weekend

WP_000488 (1)Well I can’t believe that it’s 5:45pm on Sunday evening already. The weekend just seemed to fly by! I spent most of my time in bed or on the couch, cuddling with my insanely adorable Chihuahua Pug mix, JoJo. I have been feeling a strong sense of vertigo as well as nausea. I looked up Epilepsy Auras (as discussed in last week’s Epilepsy 101), and both of those are related with seizures as well as anxiety. When I get stressed I tend to hide it from myself and it comes out in forms such as a bad stomach ache, or like I said above, extreme dizziness and nausea. I am also exhausted so I have little will to go out and do anything. Although JoJo and I went out for a nice long walk on Saturday, I just couldn’t do anything today. Anyways, I just wanted to check in and I hope you had a more exciting weekend than I did!

Lots of love! Keep fighting the good fight! xox